faded_fae

The wind howls through the trees and it’s a dark, desolate night. Isaac feels like an old, tired cliché. Every once in a while, a game goes too quickly and he’s left with nothing. Perhaps he sets the parameters too low. Perhaps he just lacks the energy at times to offer a truly challenging condition. Whatever the case, Isaac finds himself back to nothing, back to living in nowhere land and making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

It is in these moments Isaac indulges in self-pity, though he knew Cindy would never had allowed him to sink so low. Yet where is Cindy now to order him around? She’s nowhere and nothing. Isaac has no one but himself and Goddard. Goddard is a machine. Isaac loves him dearly, but he can’t replace the friends he’s lost or the time stolen away from him.

He’s feeling melancholy tonight. Now would be a good time to ramp up a game, had he one in front of him to manipulate. The lack of activity serves to further depress him. It’s a Saturday night and he’s alone, in an unknown and unknowable world, and has nothing to do and no one to do it with.

He slumps across the desk and stares at the wall. Another cheap motel. Another reason to avoid the demons of his past and another reason for them to camper out and cavort. Isaac can’t muster the energy to care about anything. He feels worn out, worn down, and with nothing to his name. Nothing but the fabricated money, anyway.

Goddard is watching him. He knows Goddard worries when his master retreats from him. Goddard has been worrying about him for the last fifteen years. Suppressing a dry laugh, Isaac spares a glance in the robot’s direction. Isaac has ceased worrying about himself. There’s no point. What’s done is done and what isn’t won’t be.

It’s times like these he wishes he weren’t celibate and socially awkward. He just wants a warm body beside him for the night. Is that so much to ask? A warm, willing body.

Goddard looks at him and he tries to smile, but it just dies.

“The echo chorus lied to me with its ‘hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on’…” Isaac sings softly.

***

In the days after his brother’s funeral, Ken feels like he’s falling to pieces. His parents are estranged, sobbing over Osamu and acting like Ken isn’t there. Ken takes up space, his parents feed him, but the one they truly want is Osamu. Ken can’t even prove a suitable substitute.

“I didn’t mean to! Look at my parents. Look how sad I’ve made them. But I’m still here…”

Ken starts to feel like he is the only one still here. His parents have left him to their grief. Osamu was the prodigy, the life and pride of the Ichijouji family. Mama tells him he loves him, but he knows her real love was reserved for Osamu. Ken is the castoff.

He knows the only way to make his parents love him and to make them feel better is to replace Osamu in their hearts. He’ll have to become a genius, force himself into schoolwork and make his parents proud, so they’ll stop crying.

He didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean to wish Osamu would disappear. He didn’t know how unhappy it’d make his parents. All he’d wanted was a little attention and love. Now he feels like Osamu’s death is weighing on him, as though his wishes for Osamu to disappear have caused Ken to possess the driver who hit him. It’s a tight, heavy burden for one so small.

“I wish he’d just disappear! …and then, he did.”

When Ken sees the e-mail from Oikawa, he jumps at the chance. It’s addressed to him, but the contents make him sick. The contents remind him of what he’s already suspected. Ken is supposed to take his brother’s place. Ken will never find solace in the real world, but another world is open to him. All he need do is use the Digivice.

In the end I was the mean girl. Somebody’s in-between girl…

…

The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time

Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

In the end I was the mean girl
Or somebody's in-between girl
Now it's the devil I love
And that's as funny as real love

I leave the party at three a.m.
Alone, thank God
With a valium from the bride
It's the devil I love
And that's as funny as real love
And that's as real as true love

That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"